Just one of those days...

You know them days... 

That you sit still..

You reminisce,  & you ask yourself 

Why?

& then 

You realize how far you've come

You look back at your shortcomings

You think about your hopes, your dreams

Well one of those days are today.

THE WHY?

I found myself contemplating..

Why I continuously went through the same cycle over & over. 

Repetition in the worst way. 

The problem was ME

I continued to choose the same route, I continued to stand in my own way

I continued to react in the same manner, I continued to thrive in trauma

I continued to not hold myself accountable, I continued to cast blame.

I had to ask myself was it a self worth issue? & it was

Did I not know who I was? & I didn't

Did I not know what I deserved? clearly not

Why did I settle for so little?

Why did I allow myself to acquire the minimum?

Did I not think that I was deserving of the "too good to be true"

My vision was obscured, blurred you may say. Not being able to see clear can be detrimental.

Detrimental to your mental, your physical health. your being.

& THEN

I began to give myself grace.

Grace for the decisions I continued to make

Grace for the lessons I hadn't learned

Grace because Im human

Grace because I didn't love myself

Grace because the only love I really knew was love from others & not love for myself.

All these years, all those years... of not knowing myself, not trusting myself, not believing in myself

BUT NOW

Past traumas have the ability of holding you hostage

Attributing to insecurities and self doubt

enabling you from allowing people in or people to get too close 

In the process of my journey of self healing, Ive hurt people

unintentionally

Ive gotten in my own way. Ive self-sabotaged. 

Ive distanced myself in order to unlearn unhealthy habits.

In retrospect it was all necessary. 

I needed to heal on my own, in my own way, on my own time. 

People have a way of expecting them out of you.

They unintentionally put theirselves in your shoes and give you advice on what "they"  would do

Not really looking at it from your perspective, but thats human nature

another reason to give grace.

Im guilty, I want to been seen, heard, felt and loved the way I do 

because i'm so passionate about the people in my life and everything I do

I wanna experience it. 

In the process of learning to really love myself

I realized I have to start with myself.

Moving Forward

Some transparency and self reflection 

 I realized I put myself in situations where I was unable to be seen. 

I was unable to be loved out loud. 

What I thought was best, wasn't. I have developed a complex

This is why the need to be loved out loud is so important to me.

In broad daylight, not hidden, not a secret, not in private.

During this season what I need more than anything is .. 

Validation from those that mean the most to me.

 Validation that I am seen, I am heard, I am felt, I am important. I am loved. That I am enough.

Validation- "the action or declaring something officially acceptable, 

recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile."

acknowledged. recognized. fulfilled. desired. loved. Seen. heard. felt. cared for.

 

"The hardest pill to swallow is when your perception of something is different from the reality of things."

 

 

I just want to feel safe enough to not have to dim my light, 

 & to show up as me, B.

"Don't put in a box now, Im by myself, yeah i'm on lockdown. 

Sometimes you gotta find. whats wrongs, yeah whats right.. 

its been a long road here coming."  

-  Don Toliver - Swangin on Westheimer