2017, Lets Rewind. 2018- Daring to live Fully

As we know 2017 has come to an end fairly quickly. HELLO 2018! This last year of my life was a year of becoming more transparent in all aspects of my life. On the journey of transparency, I became very uncomfortable. I've been told that when GOD wants you to grow, he makes you uncomfortable. I discovered things in myself that I wasn't aware even existed.

"I try to focus on the fact that whatever I'm feeling right now, no matter how intense and painful, it is only TEMPORARY!"

God Broke me down last year to build me back up. 

January-  "New Year, New Me" 

When you think of "January", you think of a new start. I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that, I'm going to start this year off great! (These are the things I thought to myself) Being optimistic that this New Year will bring forth higher levels financially, emotionally, spiritually, romantically, and mentally.  This year brought forth more than I expected, and took away what needed to decease. I was humbled. I was challenged. I became more level-headed. Self Awareness was at an all time high. I had a whole life plan, at least this is what i thought. But my plans didn't align with what GOD had in store for me.

February-   "Tryna satisfy everybody it's like they can't get enough, until enough is enough. And then it's too much"  

Often times the fear of hurting someone else causes us to hurt ourselves more.  I realized that I cared way too much about how everyone around me would feel about my life decisions. I've been known to make impulsive decisions, which can be a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I do not dwell on it.  If it works out, wonderful; If not I'll deal with it later. A curse because I make decisions based on how I feel. I have always been known to express my feelings. I'm emotional, I cry, I pout, I'm a mess sometimes. But I'm unapologetic about it.

March-  "Honesty and transparency makes you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway."

My thoughts needed to align with my reality. Things needed to be said and actions put into place. It wasn't easy but was needed. I chose life, and I'm glad I did. I've been working living in a state of happiness. It's been hard and I've been consumed with negative thoughts, shame, embarrassment, insecurity and fear. Your mind believes what you tell it.  Feed it faith. Feed it truth. Feed it with love. My mindset had to change in order to live my best life. We have to train ourselves to see the good in every situation, which is easier said than done.



April-  "Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place."

Hello Year 27!  I celebrated this Year with Friends in Dallas boy I had a blast with some of the most important people in my life.
I've been thinking about changes, and who I was this time last year. I know I was more afraid. However, I am not the same person anymore.

Hello Year 2 for Trey! - Biggest Blessing, so honored to be his mom. So thankful to watch him grow.

May- "Everything, everything"

Everything is a risk, not doing anything is a risk. It's up to you. Life is a gift, don't forget to live it.

I do my best to keep myself balanced. One of the first things that causes energy misalignment, is asking or demanding too much of yourself in terms of time and effort. In other words, you cannot burn the candle at both ends. Learn to be patient with time. Learn to trust the process.


June-  "I want love, passion, honesty and companionship... sex that drives me crazy and conversation that drives me sane."

No fairytale, but the equality of effort. Loving each other more & more, but making a commitment to put the work in. I want what everyone else wants - to be loved. I too have so much love to give, overflowing love. Whatever or whoever you want, go after it. Don't settle for mediocre or surface love. We all deserve agape, deep, soul tying love.

"Last night I looked at you, and I could feel it. I could feel the love that filled my entire body. The kind that made my toes curl and the kind of love that circulated through my veins. I could feel myself blush from having all type of emotions running rampant against my skin. The kind of love that made me want to scream all my worries and fears out so they have no way of finding their way back in. The kind that took my breath away just by the mention of our love being spoken in your tone. A soft voice that whispered kindness and sweet promises."



July- "I don't always understand why certain things happen, but let me find peace knowing that they happened for a reason."

This month was full of heartbreak. Everything I thought to be true, revealed itself to be opposite. Midyear, I started to question everything. I found myself at times asking "Why? Why are these things happening to me?  What did I do?" but I knew the answers to my own questions. I feel as though it was karma for the way I went about some things in my life. There were choices that could have been avoided if I had been patient. I was too focused on things that I was not ready for. God was teaching me to be more dependent on him, rather than myself.  I was planning my life the way I thought it should be. I placed expectations on things that needed none. It was time to focus on God and me. I needed Self- Love. Now wait! Don't get it wrong, I do love myself, but I was too busy focused on others rather than myself.  I started to ask myself questions, and at the time, I didn't have the answers. "What do I want? What can I bring to the table? Who am I? Where do I want to be in 5 years? Am I living my best life?"

It was time to self-evaluate.

August- "Let me remain faithful in every loss and grateful in every victory."

The start of something new, I enrolled back in school. One impulsive decision that was one of the best decisions I've made thus far. To be financially stable is what I desire. To have financial freedom! One goal is to make my son proud, very proud.



September- "I know that brighter days are coming, I don't know when, but knowing that they are is enough to get me through the darkness.

I am in a better place now. I decided to not be held hostage by fear and shame, or hurt and regret or anything else that keeps me from living my best life. I decided not to waste my pretty. I go out, and I dress up, and I smile despite what I'm going through.  I have friends who ask, " You ok, B?" Sometimes yes, sometimes no. There are days I still cry in the shower because I don't quite have it figured out yet, but in the midst, I am still grateful, grateful for life.

 



October- "Well, look who I ran into," Crowed Coincidence. "Please" Flirted Fate, "this was meant to be."

Sometimes you meet someone, and it's clear that the two of you, on some level, belong together. As lovers, friends, family, or as something entirely different. You work, whether you understand one another, are in love or are partners in crime. You meet these people throughout your life, unpredictably under the strangest circumstances, and they help you feel alive. I don't know if that makes me believe in coincidence, fate, or sheer blind luck -  but it definitely makes me believe in something.


November-  "I woke up this morning with fire in my eyes, love in my heart and peace in my mind. Thank you."

Sometimes, I forget to thank the people who make my life incredible in so many ways. Sometimes, I forget to tell them how much I really do appreciate them for being an important part of my life. So thank you, all of you, just for being supportive of me.

 




December-   "Bittersweet Change"

In order to last it would have required me to suffer in silence indefinitely. I tried and failed at that too. I don't know the lessons yet, but I'm actively trying to discover them. One thing I've re-learned is that there is truth in " Just keep going." My world imploded and I faced all my worst fears at once. What I thought would destroy me, did not. I am grateful.

"Everything in my life has changed and yet, I am more me than I've ever been."

2018-  "Making Decisions instead of Goals"

I will allow my intentions and my actions to consistently line up.
I will love harder than I have ever loved before
I will stay positive at all times
I will get the most out of every day.
I will wake up every morning excited and go to sleep fulfilled



Thank you, God, for giving me another year. Thank you for all the experiences of this past year;
the times of success which will always be happy memories, the times of failure which reminded me of my own weakness and of my need for you, the times of joy when the sun was shining, the times of sadness which drove me to you.

Forgive me for the hours I wasted, the chances I failed,
the opportunities I missed this past year. Help me in the days ahead to make this the best year yet,
and through it bring good credit to myself, happiness and pride to my loved ones, and joy to you
Amen.



Thankfully,
With Love & Blessings,

B